Dear friends and colleagues,
I feel you are owed an explanation for my disappearance as well as a reason for my continued absence. I wish I could give you the answers you want as well as a reasoned and logical answer for leaving. I am afraid though, a form of reason and logic exist in my choice you would reject it as lunacy and foolishness.
As you know my studies stretched across multiple disciplines: psychology biology, cellular biology, physics, and cosmology. Like cosmology I sought an origin and fate of sorts but not of the universe, though I feel I have an answer. I sought the origin of intelligence. What is it in us that causes us to ask questions, to constantly add complexity to our understanding and efforts, or even perceive right, wrong and morality.
What is it that has caused a hand full of elements and some water to suddenly form concepts such as love, hate, spirituality and to ask questions? Probably the hardest question I sought to answer is, why does humanity even care to know?
One might consider these questions to be more philosophical than scientific. However, I was sure there was an answer to it in our biology, in our evolution. A survival need to question and know everything in such detail. I have attached the last journal entry of my research a conclusion of sorts. I hope it at least explains why I left though I know it will not satisfy my more pragmatic or dogmatic peers.
Journal Entry #1837
Data, so much data, experiment after experiment and study after study. Notes and knowledge about the swirling universe around us and the swirling universes in side of each atom. From atom to DNA to intricate factories that are cells that form animals. And some of those animals ask why and have a since of right and wrong. We look to the stars and defy gravity. We cry over injustice. Then we look at the infinite universe and see something we can not explain but still seek an answer.
All of this data, all of this study and knowledge. So many points line up but the unexplained remains. Then the sun pours in my window and the birds sing and I can not silence the poetry inside. I see the stars and even the planets within us and I am awed by them. Why?
We look at this world through the context of our own bias no matter what. There could be a thousand data points line up and point to God but if he will not be contained long enough for us to confirm his existence then we would deny him.
The believer could see a million data point line up and say God does not exist and that believer would either deny that the data really truly was right and continue believing or they would erupt in an orgy of indulgence in every vice we have available. Reducing their life to a dull reflection of what it once was. The true perplexity would be us that do not believe would feel remorse or even contempt. Why? What bearing does it have on anything?
This is the voice I can not silence. Even if I am convinced that I am but an animal of chance, I can not deny that inside of me is the essence of eternity. Morality, right, wrong, justice, the fact that anything matters. This is why I have left. I wish to know God the one that has placed in me and you that which questions and seeks. I have peered into the abyss and when it peered back it only had love for me.