In this short but helpful guide, I hope to equip you with the necessary tools to rise to the top of your chosen political alignment1. I bet you have noticed that your neighbors, long time friends, respected mentors, trusted news sources, and beloved institutions have without much effort lost their dam minds. Some have in, what seemed a most primal and natural way taken up a very loud screed about bathing in the blood of (insert political ideology here).
Some of you have managed to maintain a balanced and focused view of the world by being able to carry on what seems to be logical, adult, and constructive conversations, riddled with disgusting respect for other points of view. Well, that comes to an end today my friend!
Common Sense and Balance, The Worst Traits
If you are to start, lead, or be a part of any of the cult-like solutions2 that our modern governments have so graciously condescended to us, like the gods they strive to be, then you will need to make some real lasting changes. There are two things that most humans in most situations will tend towards and these are known as common sense and balance.
The first trait you will need to abandon.
The first trait is common sense. Common sense as defined by Webster as a sound and prudent judgment based on a simple perception of the situation and facts. It is nuanced yes but as the name implies it is common3 and we all kind of intuitively have it. In the past when someone demonstrated a lack of common sense we thought that it showed a problem in them4. What we know now is that these individuals with their intense and almost crippling lack of common sense are not qualified for anything useful.
Some very elite minds sat down and came up with a plan. See these individuals lacking common sense actually were an untapped resource5. So after some very short debating and even shorter googling they decided to make these individuals our leaders and celebrities. This stroke of genius6 has had a profound effect on society making common sense an undesirable trait.
This means that if you are to participate in any kind of political activism7, then you will need to abandon your useless and frankly unattractive common sense. I mean really when has anyone wanted to sleep with someone with common sense. We all hate it. No one really wants you to think about facts or truth it just gets in the way of or glorious politics.
The second trait you will need to abandon.
When we speak of balance we are thinking in more abstract terms. Sure you can balance a ball, you can balance a scale but how do you balance a person? That question seems poetic and measured but politically it is useless. Balance in a personal sense is a steady view of the world and situations around you8. They “strike a balance” between inflamed passions and measured responses9. A balanced person might say they really like ham sandwiches. An unbalanced person might love ham sandwiches so much that they dawn a suit made entirely of ham cold cuts10.
The real question is, is a balanced person useful. The answer is a resounding no! At a concert there are two kinds of people. There is the person who enjoys the music and is enthusiastic but also in control and aware. Then there is the screaming teen at the front who has lost their ever love n mind and would like to drink the blood of the performer as an act of worship. To succeed politically you want that teen to be your candidate for the senatorial seat that just came up for election.
“Why?” You ask. Well, because how else are you going to get all of those bills11 named things like We Love Kittens12, Save The Women13, Sea Turtle Rescue Treaty14, and The Green New Deal15 passed without anyone actually reading them?
Now that we have shown that your pesky consensus is getting in the way of your rising in the ranks of your chosen political party16. How can we be rid of common sense and balance? There is a short cut but it is only for the elitist of the elite17. There are four steps to ridding yourself of any pretense of normal common thought and taking on your new identity as one of the mentally ill1819.
Step 1 – Let your victim-hood victimize
Have you ever heard of being triggered? What about safe spaces? How about social justice? Well, now you have. The first step is to find out how you were victimized and then make that your identity20. Once you have done this you can activate your new powers by becoming “triggered”21. Once you are triggered you have fulfilled the dark rituals prerequisites now you can proceed into your political rant with full effect.22
Step 2 – Testify and Vilify
The best way to show that your political opponent is a rotting bag of garbage is to show how they have pillaged, raped, and murdered their way all the way through primary school. If you can’t do this. Make up a story. Better yet find something that they are doing right and spin so that it is actually bad. The tweet about it. This is sufficient enough to make it true. Also if your opponent is seen as evil then no one will stop to look at how truly insane your own policies are. I mean come on, the other guy literally ate a baby. Now please vote for my “Ethical Treatment of Children23” bill.
Step 3 – Run For Office
Run for office and never stop running for office. Studies have shown that when you run for office people give you money. Run for every possible office you can find. I mean if the janitor is an elected official YOU WANT TO BE THAT! This way you never have to work while other people shower you with power. Also, make sure you say things you don’t actually believe. Come on everyone is doing it!
Step 4 – TG9vc2UgeW91ciBodW1hbml0eSBhbmQgZGVueSBpdCBpbiBvdGhlcnMuIFNlbGwgeW91ciBzb3VsLg==
You should now be fully equipped to be a politician or at the very least the most politically charged person24 in the room. Which makes you better than anyone else and will also probably get you verified on twitter. Also Mark Zuckerberg will have a dream about you. 25
- Even if it means imbibing the dark ichor of prejudice and bigotry while casting off your common sense moral underpinning.↩
- Socialism, Corporate Domination, Pure Uncut Capitalism, Agnostic Stoicism, Flying Spaghetti Monster Worship, Communism, Pure Uncut Anarchy, Sexual Dominance Society, Conservatism, Liberalism, Whatever the Hell the British are Always on About, Memes, Dank Memes, Theocratic Racism, Racism, Reverse Racism, Reverse Reverse Racism, Sandwich Prejudice, Prejudice, Reverse Prejudice, Reverse Reverse Prejudice, Bigotry, Reverse Bigotry, Reverse Reverse Bigotry, Colonial Trigger Warning, Mars Probe Abandonment Conclave, The United Nations, The Not so United Nations, The Apathetic Nations, Individualism, Collective Individualism, Individualistic Collectivism, Gay Rights, Straight Rights, anything with the words march, movement, rights behind it, anything referred to as “grassroots”, Christian Society for Atheistic Stalintastic Double Think For the Betterment of Pro-Choice Forced Elective Abortive Rights In Support of Pro-Life Moloch Worship or (CSASDTBPCFEARSPLMW), etc.↩
- Known to or by the community at large.↩
- You must be more careful in this day and age as this lack of could be perceived by the person that lacks it as being their identity. Thusly breaking the treaty of Panera( yes named after Panera Bread). You know the one where a bunch of hipsters got together and tweeted a whole bunch about how you are a bigot. Yeah, we are looking at you Jackey!↩
- Resource being anything there is a lot of whether it is good or bad. This way of thinking and its subsequent success is best modeled in the drug trade and the website buzz feed.↩
- or actual stroke↩
- social, local terrorism.↩
- The kind of people that might question the all-mighty news outlet. Disgusting!↩
- Probably waiting till marriage to have sex. What a dweeb.↩
- Which would have seemed ridiculous until a certain Lady Gaga (all hail our very confusing queen!) wore a dress completely comprised of beef to express her love of steak as well as her support for animal rights.↩
- …spending, tyrannical laws, unelected regulators, and thoughtcrime reducing…↩
- In the “We Love Kittens” bill there is literally no funding for kittens. Instead, the bill centers around lining the coffins of every single senator with gold bars. Upon their death, they will be placed inside of the coffins and then shot into space. This is done so that there is a noticeable drop in the price of gold and thusly the world economy every-time one of their black hearts stops pumping whatever their equivalent to blood is.↩
- The “Save The Women” bill paid large sums of money to governments who’s laws literally have on the books, allowing them to rape, enslave, and otherwise kill women without cause. These large stacks of money were flown in under the cover of night with a post-it note on top that asked them to please stop doing this. It is said that those that received these large stacks of money laughed with joy at the sight of this request; their eyes had been opened! They celebrated by having their latest sexual conquest jailed for being too alluring.↩
- The “Sea Turtle Rescue Treaty” is not a treaty at all but a massive payout to politically connected corporate bodies for the research and development of sea turtle based technologies and food. Some of which have included, the farming and raising of sea turtles as a food source, turning sea turtles into the crude oil and later refining them into a biofuel, and making drinking straws from actual sea turtles so that those yucky plastic ones can’t hurt the sea turtles.↩
- Pretty sure this one was actual satire.↩
- Also we don’t mean actual mental illness we mean pure self-deception.↩
- Which is good!↩
- By identity, we mean a mental construct with which you will bludgeon your fellow human beings with degrading them and suggesting they are not actual humans but rather lesser and obviously evil.↩
- Now being triggered used to refer to reliving past trauma because of a “trigger” but nowadays it is a social switch that allows your political screed to activate your fellow compatriots.↩
- Other parties like to call this truth bombs or “destroying”. In this case you will need to abandon all semblance of concern for everyone else.↩
- Forced abortions.↩
- It should be acknowledge that this how to seems to lean more heavily on one side of politics than another. If it had tried to pursue both sides then this would be a novel. So for a quick and easy reverse simply hold in your mind that everything said here applies to the other side of the aisle just with slight changes. Take triggered for instance try replacing that with whataboutism↩