Recently it has come to the attention of humanity that sitting around eating the most decadent of snack cakes, packaged in cellophane while guzzling the equivalent of liquid bread may not be good for you. In fact, the pancreas was recently removed from the medical books because doctors were pretty sure no one had any interest in using it the right way. This positioned the pancreas to become the favorite organ of muscle-bound hipsters with names like Derick, Titus, and Brett.
One of the muscle-bound hipsters was Greg Glassman. Greg a decent sort even if he did have a habit of only ever talking about working out and the food he was eating. Greg had a problem. He thought ” I am not good at anything except exercising and eating right how can I parlay this mental illness into a profitable company?” One night while sleeping in plank position a dream came to him. In this dream, a great glute descended from the clouds. A voice boomed from on high saying “Bro do you even lift?” Glassman fell on the ground in a hollow hold. He feared for his one-rep max. The glorious glute acknowledged Glassman and shone its low BMI upon Glassman presenting him with the golden burpee[^later][^noted].
After Glassman awoke from his dream at 4:30 AM and after he did 100 air squats, 100 pushups, and 150 power cleans at 95lbs RX, he sat down and invented Crossfit. Gregg Glassman has only talked about Crossfit since its invention.
Where Does One Crossfit
Crossfit is practiced in temples known as Boxes. These Boxes might look like a regular gym but do not be fooled. Boxes tend to have far less equipment than a normal useful gym. So Crossfit provides coaches1 to help guide visitors to the Box. Coaches are mostly human but years of eating paleo and drinking protein shakes have rendered them mostly muscle. This has the added side effect of them being really excited to bring others “into the fold” so that more of their species may be created, as reproduction can only happen by converting a human into a crossfitter. These coaches and their acolytes are at varying levels of this metamorphosis but rest assured through diet and exercise anyone can increase their fitness and extend their life.
So How Does One Crossfit
So what is Crossfit anyways? To answer that question we need to take a look at an actual CrossFit workout. The typical CrossFit workout starts with the coach summoning the acolytes to the whiteboard2. The whiteboard usually depicts in crossfitees3 the workout of the day or WOD. Once everything is discussed and any questions answered the religious ceremony can begin. The coach begins to read the WOD rites known as the warm-up. The warm-up exists in several parts.
- Rolling out and Stretching: Crossfit implements several torture devices for self-flagellation. The two primary tools are the foam roller and the lax ball. The foam roller and lax ball are used in similar ways. First, you place the item on the ground and then you place all your weight on the item. Not only does this loosen fascia in the muscle but it also is so painful that it shocks the system and prepares the mind for what comes next.
- Light Cardio: The light cardio portion is designed to trick the acolyte’s bodies into thinking this is going to be a pleasant experience. “Oh!” The body says. “This is just regular old exercise. Excellent! I love this stuff.” Little does it know that most of the WOD will be spent is something called the “pain cave”.
- Now that you have a thin layer of sweat built up all of the movements in the workout are reviewed and best practices are gone over. Generally, this is the acolyte’s first taste of “the burn”. If the coach is going over squats or similar movements then he or she might have the participant’s squat halfway down and hold it. This creates an intense sensation of burning in the utilized muscles. This is also when newer acolytes begin to doubt their own sanity and of their class mates.
- Then a timer is set and the WOD is begun.
The WOD is the main event in any Crossfit workout and supposedly why people go to Crossfit. It has several variations and is modified for all manner of physical abilities. The unmarketed part of the Crossfit WOD is the spiritual experience. You may remember the mention of the “pain cave” earlier and the light cardio. The light cardio generates a small amount of sweat on the skin of the participant. This is a form of self anointing. The sweat provides lubrication to pass through the aperture of the “pain cave” which looks a lot like a sphincter4.
During the WOD many experience collective insanity that forces the participant to move past their limits creating more sweat which further lubricates the athlete and drives them deeper into the “pain cave.”
To know if you are doing a workout correctly several symptoms need to be present5.
- Being able to feel your heartbeat in your teeth.
- Gutteral laminations involuntarily vocalized.
- An intense feeling of doom.
- A deep and intense questioning of one’s choices while also screaming at one’s self to do just one more rep.
- The appearance of a spirit guide. It should be said that the spirit guide is not there to guide you to anything. He or she generally looks on in disbelief and intense scorn.
- Every dessert you have ever had appears to torment you.
- Begging it to stop and then realizing that you are the one doing it to yourself. Then realizing that you can not stop and wondering if you hate yourself.
- Entering the “pain cave”
- Wondering why the pain cave has a sphincter
Once the WOD ends everyone lies on the ground feeling sorry for themselves and wanting to never return but knowing that they will be there tomorrow because dammit if it ain’t addicting7.
- Crossfit used to use chalkboard but the athletes kept eating the chalk.↩
- Crossfitees is composed of English words but is so heavy with jargon that the typical onlooker can only decern approximately half of what is being said to them. This is on purpose, as it forces the new initiates to follow the herd rather than understand what insanity they are about to participate in.↩
- … and in this case, you are a suppository.↩
- It should be noted that these symptoms are generally noted as being “bad” by most sane people.↩
- Many Crossfitters have reported the doing of math in one’s head. Usually, it goes something like this. “Okay, I have 100 reps to do. I will do them in sets of 25.” “Crap I did 20. Oh well, I will do 5 sets of 20. Dang, I only did 10 that round well I guess it is 10 sets of 10. Dang, I only did 6 that round. God, why do you have us suffer so!”↩
- WARNING: You will experience an additional side effect. All of your conversations will begin to revolve around CrossFit. If this happens you might consider changing your name to Bret.↩