The Extremely Offensive Dog


Research Log 1
Dr. Wit: This is research log 1 for Chemical Social Enhancement (CSE). We will be attempting to improve social behaviors among a pack of dogs, through genetic changes to pheromone production. The dogs were chosen because of their sensitive olfactory organs and their tendency to define many aspects of their interaction through smell. I have researcher Chelsea Blee as my lab partner she will be helping me run and maintain the experiments.

Chelsea: It’s a pleasure Dr. Wit.

Dr. Wit: You as well Chelsea. We will be running ten dogs in the pack. They will be introduced to each other today and then a period of three weeks will commence to allow them to establish a proper ranking in the pack. All dogs have been observed to be less aggressive than their wild counterparts and have been shown to generally get along with other dogs.

Chelsea: The dogs are as follows: Bosko, Rumble, Chip, Gran, Teeto, Mr. Pumpkin Spice, Pig, Charlie, Gerald, Durwin, and Spike. Why is there always a Spike? All dogs are various shades of Retriever. The dogs have been moved to their shared enclosure and seem to be playing nicely after about an hour of constant barking, followed by an additional hour and a half of butt sniffing.

Dr. Wit: The female subjects are being kept in separate kennels. All females are retrievers of vary shades. Tippy, Mandy, and Sweet Muffin. They will be used to test our adjustments to pheromone production. Each female will be sent through three trials to determine their preferred male. We have been careful to conduct these outside of a heat cycle. The goal is not to bread the dogs but rather to determine disposition and preference.

Dr. Wit: I think that does it for today Chelsea, why don’t we call it early we can start the hard work tomorrow.

Research Log 12
Dr. Wit: Research Log 12 Day 4 Dr. Wit and Chelsea Blee, Lead Research Assistant. The dogs are getting used to each others presence rather well. It seems that even though we chose the dogs because of their apparent pleasant dispositions, fights have still broken out twice. We have allowed these to play out naturally. No dogs have been injured other than a few scrapes. These seem to simply be for establishing dominance.

Chelsea: We tried to avoid this kind of conflict amongst the dogs but it seems that their disposition did not override the normal method by which packs tend to form.

Dr. Wit: Though it seemed touch and go at first the group has settled and began to find some form of coexistence.

Research Log 22
Dr. Wit: Research Log 22 Day 16 Dr. Wit and Chelsea Blee, Lead Research Assistant. It seems the pack has settled, and from what we can tell the alpha is Mr. Pumpkin Spice with the lowest ranked dog being a tie between Bosko and Teeto. We selected Bosko for his temperament and general pleasant demeanor.

Chelsea: He really is a good boi.

Dr. Wit: Yes you are aren’t you Bosko.

Bosko: [WOOF]

Dr. Wit: After taking the vitals of Bosko he appears to be extremely healthy. His coat is thick and the classic golden hue of the retrievers. Eyes are brown and bright and nose is wet and cold. Breath is uncharacteristically fresh! [chuckles] You know I wanted all this to sound really professional but Bosko is such a good boy.

Chelsea: I didn’t realize you were such a dog lover.

Dr. Wit: Of course. Look at his cute face.

Chelsea: Ahem. [clears throat]

Bosko: [WOOF]

Dr. Wit: Oh of course. [clears throat] We will be drawing blood from Bosko and using it to craft a specific virus. The virus will carry a RNA strand to edit his pheromone production. The goal will be to give Bosko an advantage with the ladies.

Research Log 23
Dr Wit: Well that was fun. Oh Yes umm Research Log 23 Day 17 Dr. Wit and Chelsea Blee, Lead Research Assistant.

Chelsea: I don’t know if I would call it that.

Dr. Wit: Each female was introduced to each male one at a time and their interactions recorded and rated based on proximity and signs of aggression and distress as well as any dis-internist.

It is clear that even though Mr. Pumpkin Spice is Alpha of the group none of the ladies want to have anything to do with him outside of a heat cycle. The same holds true for Bosko as well. It seems that all three ladies gravitated towards the other dogs preferring the middle ground of aggression and disposition.

Chelsea: I think we should try it during heat as well. The virus is taking some time to construct and it can’t hurt to at least see if there is a different preference.

Research Log 24
Dr. Wit: Research Log 24 Day 30 Dr. Wit and Chelsea Blee, Lead Research Assistant. That is very interesting. We waited for a heat cycle the only one we would have for six months. Noting that we would have to reproduce this test on the next cycle. It seems that Mr. Pumpkin Spice is indeed the alpha of the pack all three females seemed as interested in him as he was in them. No coitus was allowed. The ladies seemed to have an enhanced reaction to Bosko but they still did not give much attention.

Research Log 32
Dr. Wit: Research Log 32 Day 33 Dr. Wit and Chelsea Blee, Lead Research Assistant. It is finally complete the first virus modification. This is virus PH84-FS is designed to increase Bosko’s attraction to the ladies. Bosko will be injected. The virus needs an incubation period of 5 days before it is fully active and even then one week will need to be allowed for the virus to do its work. The virus is considered non contagious but for safety precautions Bosko is being placed in isolation. Industrial ionic air purifiers are being used to gather the particulate from the air. We will be testing this particulate for major chemical changes. This will allow us to determine the extent of pheromone change Bosko undergoes.

Chelsea: Bosko is in good health and took his shot very well. He was given a treat and a toy. I will be Bosko’s only companion during his isolation. I will be wearing a hazmat suite to insure that my own biologicals do not cause changes in the samples gathered.

Research Log 42
Dr. Wit: Research Log 42 Day 42 huh imagine that! Dr. Wit and Chelsea Blee, Lead Research Assistant. Bosko is doing really well. The air filters have been tested daily, sterilized and then placed back in the enclosure. All of Bosko’s vitals have stayed steady through out. The biological concentrations in the purifiers have shown a marked change and I think we are ready to introduce Bosko back to the ladies and subsequently the pack.

Chelsea: Having interacted with Bosko he has no change to his personality, physical abilities or appearance. He has come to really love a particular red ball.

Bosko: [WOOF]

Chelsea: Yes Bosko we are going to make you a hit with ladies. Who is a good boy? Yes you are! OH What a pretty dance!

Bosko: [WOOF]

Dr. Wit: You guys are cracking me up. Okay, lets setup the experiment and get our ladies in the room

Email 385
Dr. Wit;

I am unsure what you might be planning to do with Bosko after the experiments. It is clear you really like him too. Would it be okay if I took Bosko home with me. Recently things have been really bad between me and Jeff. Well I moved out. Bosko has been a welcomed distraction and I would dearly love to take him home with me.

Chelsea Blee
Lead Research Assistant

Email 386

I don’t see a problem with that other than the fundamental changes we are making to his DNA. We will need to confirm that everything we are doing to him is not contagious. Also he will need to be neutered. We will see how it goes. Sorry to hear about you and Jeff.

Dr. Wit

Research Log 44
Dr. Wit: Research Log 44 Day 43 Dr. Wit and Chelsea Blee, Lead Research Assistant. Experiments were run Bosko was introduced to each female and similar results were achieved. Bosko was either treated with indifference or outrightly rejected.

Chelsea: [low sobbing]

Dr. Wit: Chelsea please pull yourself together. We will help Bosko’ No we are just researching! Just because he was rejected there is no reason to cry. I feel sorry for him too.

Email 390
Dr. Wit;

I am so sorry after my outburst today during the experiment. I don’t know what came over me. Maybe it is just the Jeff thing. Either way you can expect professionalism from me here on out.

Chelsea Blee
Lead Research Assistant

Email 391

Please do not worry. If I am honest I felt a similar amount of distress. Bosko is a very good dog and it would seem that me and you both are a little more tied up in this than we had hoped. Either way I hope you have a great day.

Dr. Wit

Research Log 48
Dr. Wit: Research Log 48 Day 45 Dr. Wit and Chelsea Blee, Lead Research Assistant. The last trial was a failure. We have clearly changed his pheromone composition but there has been no change to the reaction of the other dogs. We recently introduced Bosko back into the pack while we work on the next virus. Bosko integrated back in easily finding himself once again at the bottom. Surly there is something we can do for him. [sniffs]

Chelsea: uh, it’s okay Dr. Wit.

Dr. Wit: Sorry Chelsea, I am just tired. This work means my career and I am sure my feelings about Bosko are just tied up in that. I just need a good nights sleep.

Chelsea: That is okay Dr. Wit why don’t you call it early. We have gotten plenty of work done and will be able to construct the new virus in the next few days.

Dr Wit: [whimper] Yeah I just ‘ Bosko seems so unhappy in with all those mean dogs.

Chelsea: Dr. Wit you have to stop. You are going to get me crying too.

[audible crying]

Research Log 49
Chelsea Blee: Research Log 49 Day 45 Chelsea Blee, Lead Research Assistant. Dr. Wit has taken a break from the project for the day. He seemed really emotional about our project and strangely about about Boskos’ treatment by the other dogs. Admittedly he looked very tired having put in many hours on the next virus. Maybe he is having some personal issues? Oh my, I should not speculate on such things in the research logs.

Bosko: [Woof]

The Pack: [audible barking]

Chelsea: Oh No!



Chelsea: Bosko you scared me! What happened!


Chelsea: Really! Who is a good boy! Alright It seems that Spike decided to vi for alpha against Mr. Pumpkin Spice and well there was a fight. No one is injured and some stern words broke them up. Spike and Mr. Pumpkins Spice are put into separate kennels and the rest have been given treats. Bosko will be put back in the with the pack. Come on Bosko. Come on boy!


Research Log 50
Chelsea Blee: Research Log 50 Day 45 Chelsea Blee, Lead Research Assistant. I just want it to be on record. [snifs] I love Bosko he is a good boy.
Email 399

I don’t know if you are still there at the lab. I tried calling but got no answer. Please put Bosko in isolation, I think I understand now what is going on. Bosko’s pheromones are not effecting the other dogs. They are effecting us.


Research Log 51
Dr Wit: Research Log 51 Day 45 Dr. Wit. It is 11:30 PM. I went back to the lab after I did not hear back from Chelsea. It seems she did get my email. I found her asleep next to Bosko in isolation. I have retrieved her from the isolation and have been helping her understand what is happening. She is sleeping now in her office. It seems the pheromone not only cause attraction and a deep emotional attachment, but her increased exposure has left her feeling a bit woosy. I ran some quick vitals and it seems that she is in good health just extremely tired. Much in the same way I was this afternoon.

Research Log 52
Dr. Wit: Research Log 52 Day 46 Dr. Wit and Chelsea Blee, Lead Research Assistant. I know it is not customary to have things like major problems in your research logs but, we have a major problem. It would seem that the virus we designed to alter Bosko’s pheromones made a resurgence in his system last night. Which accounted for the levels we are finding in the ionizing air filters. However, there is a new chemical in the mix. This means that possibly whatever effect his pheromones were having it has changed drastically. It would also seem that the concentrations have gone up significantly. We are going to be running many tests and contacting the CDC. Chelsea what are you doing!

Chelsea: I love this doggy so much. [decompression sound]

Dr. Wit: Chelsea no!

Bosko: [WOOF]

Dr. Wit: Chelsea’.

Chelsea: FUCK YOU DOG. What did you say to me!

Bosko: [WOOF]


[sounds of struggle]

Dr. Wit: I know it is just the pheromones ‘ but I am going to kill that dog.

[More sounds of a struggle. Distant growling. Glass breaking]

Research Log 68
Dr. Cellers: Research Log 68 Dr. Cellers. It would seem that what Dr. Wit and Chelsea accomplished is extraordinary, in it’s own right. Bosko or patient one as we are referring to him now, seems to give off pheromones that causes extreme offense in those exposed. The virus was indeed spread to the entire pack. Each dog escaped. Only Bosko was retrieved. Well Bosko’s corpse was retrieved. We found him only after he ran through the campus at Berkly where tensions were already high. The resulting violence was a terrible outcome. It seems the virus is not limited to just retrievers either, as there have been more and more accounts of owners killing their pets. It would seem that people just can’t handle a little offense. We have had reports of some being exposed to the infected dogs and feeling offended, but then they do not lash out in violence. Their reasoning? Offense is just part of life.

One last note: It is estimated that in 10 years all dogs will be extremely offensive to all humans.

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