Panic, that is what this is panic. I sat at school. The teacher lectured and I twisted in upon myself. A panic attack. Was I special? My mind’s eyes sought metrics, and numbers to quantify my uniqueness. I scanned the darkness of my inner world searching for something real that I could put my hands on. Something that told me I was indeed worth the space and time I was taking up.
Voices, so many voices. They came through on that tiny monument in my pocket. As the monkeys had danced before the monolith so do we dance before these tiny screens. We feed these voices and they are inside now. Dancing inside of me questioning everything I knew was true and a lie. I was not prepared. I was not ready but it is here now. The tapestry of noise drapes my attention in static.
Who am I again? Am I a boy? Am I a girl? He said I am interesting and that he/him would like to meet. No, I need to focus on math I need to focus on this language of the universe that is also unjust. Two plus two is four what privilege it has to be true. I need to hide my jawline. As soon as I can I need to go to the bathroom. That selfie is not going to take itself. What do I need to do this? Why are the voices so hungry? How can I have that last thought? What is this light?
From between the seams of the universe. No not the seams. The thing that holds every unit of reality together, so much light. It shown into my mind into me. I saw it between me and myself. Defining me writing me. I was not my own. I yet I was my own I was loved beyond measure. An infinity in me and everything. I asked for a brief moment I asked and wanted to know. Who? What? Where? How? Why? Divine dictation began to come forth. A cacophony of quiet assailed me gently. The eternal expression came to me. I would have listened. I would have known the truth of God. How could I have such a thought though? I am not having this thought at all. How could I in all this noise?